I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
