jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
