My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
