I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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