You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
