The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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