I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
we're making bets on your personal life
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
