Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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