The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
