I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
