I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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