The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
