sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
