i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
did i just pee glitter
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
