After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
