Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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