So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
