Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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