puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
