I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
