somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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