i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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