Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
