I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
