We're like a lot better than the average bears
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
