Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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