Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
