my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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