I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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