Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
