in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
