I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
