cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
