watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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