Even the bartender felt bad for me
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
