im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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