You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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