oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
