A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
