Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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