I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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