i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
