At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
