dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
