I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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