I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
