I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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