Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
