Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Randomize
