My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
