so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
