I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
