My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
