i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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