I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
