Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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