I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
