There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
