Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
